Losing hope.

My insecurities have been stronger than ever before. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't control these feelings.. This anxiety.. It feels constant like I can't breathe. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even function like a regular human being. I feel like I'm being eaten alive. This is absolute torture. I've been crying for days and the tears never seem to stop. The feeling is so overwhelming that it feels uncontrollable. I try to roll with the waves but I feel like I get swept away completely, ripped apart, and pulled under.

I don't know what to do.

I wish he would understand how I feel.. I've tried explaining but it doesn't seem to be doing any good. Right now he's so focused on himself and enjoying the time he's in that nothing else seems to matter. I want to pull away.. I'm beginning to question whether or not this is right.. I'm not sure sometimes.. And I catch myself wondering if he's right. Am I just feeling lonely? Am I just afraid? What is it that is keeping me here?

That's when I recall that sweet loving smile. His absolute warm embrace. The love that I see in his eyes. The tears that formed when he was afraid he'd lose me. The confidence he had gained while we were apart. He is a changed man. A man that I had always thought I wanted him to be..

But even though he has become the man I wanted -- he isn't the man I need. The selfishness in that sentence is unparalleled. He has tried so hard to become this idea of a man that he felt was great -- influenced so heavily by a woman long passed. She's still living, she's still beside him -- because it's me.. But who I was then isn't who I am now.. I'm just a shadow of my former self. I was confident, I was happy, I was bold, I was secure, climbing in my career, I was what I felt like -- a Queen. What I don't understand is, when it was that I fell from that position. Who am I now? When did I become so shattered.

My memories of him are overly romanticized. A perfect light on his smiling face with little shining gold flecks that fly by in the wind. A moment I captured that day, but have changed over time in my mind.

When he tells me what he went through during the time we were apart.. The absolute agony.. The absolute sadness.. The emptiness he must have felt.. I can't stand it. The pain I caused him was so severe -- how could he ever forgive me. I've cried every time I thought about how he must have felt. The devastation I caused him to go through alone. Why did I do that... I felt like it was the right decision at the time, but when I look back on it -- I'm ashamed. I gave up on him instead of standing by him and staying strong when he needed me most. How can he want to be with someone like me. Spineless, unsupportive, selfish, and ugly. He said it was like a dream come true when I came back into his life. Then why do I feel like such a nightmare. Why do I feel like I don't deserve him. I'm riddled with guilt I can't stand it.. I don't deserve him. He doesn't need someone like me in his life who couldn't be there for him like he was for me. That kind of heartache lasts a lifetime.. And it was me who caused it..

I don't know what to do.. I'm so scared.. I want to go back in time and shake some sense into myself and beg myself to stay.. Not to hurt him the way that I did... Wake up! Wake up! I want to wake up. Right back there, and start over with what I know now.. To make a change... Never to hurt him the way I did.. I feel so small.. I feel so worthless... How can I ever face him.

The words he uttered in the last few days have made my worst fears come true. He's growing tired of me. Things are starting to change. My mind is a mess, my heart is full of holes, and I don't know how much longer I can keep going living like this. I'm starting to forget the point in life.

I'm losing hope.