It's been on my mind. The constant nagging that he's lying to me. That he's possibly cheating. My previous experiences always make me feel so anxious. Why is trust so hard to come by? It's a question I seem to ask myself so often that I forget what it even means to trust those who deserve it. He's truly a good man. One that is always true and honest, right? There have been small instances where I caught him lying but the issue was so small that I can't even truly be angry. The principle is still there, but everyone lies don't they? Some form of exaggeration, some type of white lie, or to keep themselves from getting in any more trouble.
Lies. It's such an ugly word, it's so common like a sickness, and everyone does it.
My insecurities feel like they're eating me alive. Everyday I wake up wondering if it'll be better today. Why can't I be more confident? I used to be such a confident woman, but somewhere along the way I shattered. Some tool of a man shoved me and I fell to pieces. I tried so hard for so many years to build myself up bigger and better every time I fell, but each time it seems like a small fragment went missing. Those fragments must have been my confidence and self love.
I couldn't understand why it was that they constantly told me "you're amazing, you're wonderful, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me" and yet, time and time again I'm shown otherwise. I don't know if it's lies or if it's because regret truly is stronger than appreciation. I just don't understand, even now. When I love someone, I want to give them a love that is so warm.. So comforting that it glows in their minds. A love that is so happy and caring that it truly feels like you're being enveloped in a big soft blanket when it's cold. Like sitting next to a warm lit fireplace during a ice cold storm. When they are sick I just want to do everything I can to make them better.
I want to show them what it means to be loved. The kind of love that is so amazing..
I'm told that they feel this way about my love -- so, why? Why do they end up hurting me this way? What have I done to deserve this type of hurt? I find myself giving so much and receiving so little in return I eventually begin to feel drained. I keep telling myself "I don't want to do this anymore" and I get a longing feeling for home, but this home that I keep longing for doesn't exist. A place to run away and be happy -- where can I find it? Where is it? Some say it's God, some say it's their families, and some say it's love. Some say you can never truly find happiness while others say you can buy it.
What is happiness?
For so many years I thought the addiction of love was happiness. To love and be loved like a Romeo and Juliet story that didn't end in tragedy. I searched for so many years until I thought I found it. I found him -- the one. My star crossed lover, he is here.. But as the years went by.. Things started to change. I wasn't happy anymore and neither was he.
So we fell apart.
And I lost something dear to me that day.
Going on another journey to find myself, I made an even bigger mistake. A past that I should have truly left behind when I had the chance -- he showed up. But the "he" you're thinking of isn't the man who I felt was my Romeo. No, this man.. This man.. He ruined who I thought I was. He tricked me into believing he had changed. That he was different, but he wasn't. He was worse. A true nightmare disguised as a dream.
I fell for it. And I paid dearly.. I can't seem to find myself anymore.. And yet, there he was again -- my Romeo. Another blast from my past. I keep asking myself if I'm crazy. My friends and family keep telling me that the past is meant to stay in the past and that exes are exes for a reason. Despite all of these things -- I can't help but wonder if he truly changed.. Because if he did, maybe things would really be different this time.
But that's what I thought about HIM, that disgusting foul trashcan of a human being. But I suppose in a sense he did change -- for the worse. He was far more of a blemish than he used to be. But Romeo was always kind. He was always loving. He was always, lazy. No ambition. No drive, no goals in life, and no motivation. I tried my best do be the reason, to give him reasons, to support him through it all -- but I started to feel like a slave. I started to feel trapped and began wondering if this is how life is going to be for the rest of my life and the idea frightened me. Constantly working, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our dog while he sat in front of a screen just moving his fingers on the keyboard and moving his mouse. I begged him to help me, but it was always the same response "I will, I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow -- I promise" but tomorrow turned into the day after, and the day after that, and the day after that. Eventually weeks or months would go by, but nothing would change. Saying anything to him became hard. I started to nag him all the time and slowly our relationship started to deteriorate.
Why was this happening?..
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